BAD mood
Dear Lord have I been in a bad mood these last few days. Like a horrible, I want to scream at everyone bad mood.
I don't even really talk that much to my office-mate Brenda, that's how down and pissy I am.
I'm just frustrated about millions of things and the way nothing changes except for the worse and I'm sorry, but I'm so sick and tired of people telling me God is in control and to just get over it. I know that people, I'm just frustrated and tired of feeling these emotions I've felt for so long. I'm tired of the anger and the desire to be any place, but the place I am. I have no flexibility with my life and no hope of changing it. I guess that's my problem, no hope. No contentment.
I can hang on and hang on, praying that God will show himself, but after a year of no showing, I start to really waver.
(the rest as been edited and moved to a place a few of you know of)
I at least have a great support system around me. I don't know how people go through the things we've gone through without one. They've kept me grounded and not on a psychotic break.
Okay, who knows why I went there, but I did (sort of).
There was a prophetic conference at SG with Wayne Drain, Bill Leckie and Kerry Kirkwood. It was good. I was hoping for a few more directional words for those I loved, but oh well. Pile it on the pile of hoped for things gone to the wayside.
It's been really hard to leave in the mornings for work. I just want to lay in bed with Lyric all morning. This morning, Jon sent me an email that said, "Have a good day at work Mommy" and this picture. I cried.
Oh and on the school front. Well after calling and calling, I finally found out why my grant was just pending on my account and not applied. It was because I have to take at least 6 hours to qualify for my grant. Well my schedule is ridiculous and there is no way that I can take another full class. Also, the only other classes I need to take are math classes, which I definitely don't want to take while taking another class, b/c I need all my concentration just to pass it (since I haven't been in a math class since I was 16). So if I don't get my grant, then that means I'll have to pay for the class out of pocket. One class at UTA is close to a $1000 and I just don't want to put it on a credit card, when I know I can qualify for grants. I tried to get a loan, but there are minimum hour requirements for loans to.
Since i already took the last semester off, if I took this one off too, then it would mean I would be dis-enrolled from the University and have to reapply and all of that jazz. Well that would be a big problem b/c if I reapplied, there are new standards now that would tack on about 12 hours to my basics requirements that I was exempt from. So that puts me at 21 hours away from graduating instead of 9. Ya, not going to happen.
So the only thing I could do, was keep my yoga class, which is one credit hour and I'll just pay that. But at least it will keep me enrolled. I don't know how this will fix itself in the future. But it will have to. I'll try to get my grant transferred over to Northlake, where I can take my two math classes online. But obviously, it's too late in the game to do that this semester, so I'll have to do it this summer.
So that's another reason why I'm frustrated. I'm so close to being done. But due to the fact that I am married, have a growing baby girl and work 45 hours a week (though I only get paid for 40), it makes my desire to graduate a far off fantasy. Once again, add it to the pile.
See how horrible I'm being? I have the worst attitude.
I'm shutting up now.
Bye.
UPDATE:
It’s nice to have love
I was having such a bad day today that I considered taking the rest of it off as a personal day just because I kept tearing up while i was doing my work.
Well Jon said he would come and take me out for lunch.
I think that was just what I needed to get through the rest of the day. We ate at Bennigans and they have that 15 minute lunch thing. Well they were late, so we got our whole meal for free, which was super cool. Then I've been so freakin' cold at work and so we went by Walmart and I got a space heater for under my desk and well, it's just been better. I ate a yummy chicken salad and I'm not cold.
Jon and I talked a lot and I think we semi-planned an extended weekend for just the two of us in March. I really hope it works out, because I will really need it by March (especially since I'll be keeping the baby by myself from February 19-29).
So all that to say it is so nice to have someone to love and that loves you in return. It makes the world a better place. He really gets me and tries to make my life easy. I'm a lucky woman.
I don't even really talk that much to my office-mate Brenda, that's how down and pissy I am.
I'm just frustrated about millions of things and the way nothing changes except for the worse and I'm sorry, but I'm so sick and tired of people telling me God is in control and to just get over it. I know that people, I'm just frustrated and tired of feeling these emotions I've felt for so long. I'm tired of the anger and the desire to be any place, but the place I am. I have no flexibility with my life and no hope of changing it. I guess that's my problem, no hope. No contentment.
I can hang on and hang on, praying that God will show himself, but after a year of no showing, I start to really waver.
(the rest as been edited and moved to a place a few of you know of)
I at least have a great support system around me. I don't know how people go through the things we've gone through without one. They've kept me grounded and not on a psychotic break.
Okay, who knows why I went there, but I did (sort of).
There was a prophetic conference at SG with Wayne Drain, Bill Leckie and Kerry Kirkwood. It was good. I was hoping for a few more directional words for those I loved, but oh well. Pile it on the pile of hoped for things gone to the wayside.
It's been really hard to leave in the mornings for work. I just want to lay in bed with Lyric all morning. This morning, Jon sent me an email that said, "Have a good day at work Mommy" and this picture. I cried.
Oh and on the school front. Well after calling and calling, I finally found out why my grant was just pending on my account and not applied. It was because I have to take at least 6 hours to qualify for my grant. Well my schedule is ridiculous and there is no way that I can take another full class. Also, the only other classes I need to take are math classes, which I definitely don't want to take while taking another class, b/c I need all my concentration just to pass it (since I haven't been in a math class since I was 16). So if I don't get my grant, then that means I'll have to pay for the class out of pocket. One class at UTA is close to a $1000 and I just don't want to put it on a credit card, when I know I can qualify for grants. I tried to get a loan, but there are minimum hour requirements for loans to.
Since i already took the last semester off, if I took this one off too, then it would mean I would be dis-enrolled from the University and have to reapply and all of that jazz. Well that would be a big problem b/c if I reapplied, there are new standards now that would tack on about 12 hours to my basics requirements that I was exempt from. So that puts me at 21 hours away from graduating instead of 9. Ya, not going to happen.
So the only thing I could do, was keep my yoga class, which is one credit hour and I'll just pay that. But at least it will keep me enrolled. I don't know how this will fix itself in the future. But it will have to. I'll try to get my grant transferred over to Northlake, where I can take my two math classes online. But obviously, it's too late in the game to do that this semester, so I'll have to do it this summer.
So that's another reason why I'm frustrated. I'm so close to being done. But due to the fact that I am married, have a growing baby girl and work 45 hours a week (though I only get paid for 40), it makes my desire to graduate a far off fantasy. Once again, add it to the pile.
See how horrible I'm being? I have the worst attitude.
I'm shutting up now.
Bye.
UPDATE:
It’s nice to have love
I was having such a bad day today that I considered taking the rest of it off as a personal day just because I kept tearing up while i was doing my work.
Well Jon said he would come and take me out for lunch.
I think that was just what I needed to get through the rest of the day. We ate at Bennigans and they have that 15 minute lunch thing. Well they were late, so we got our whole meal for free, which was super cool. Then I've been so freakin' cold at work and so we went by Walmart and I got a space heater for under my desk and well, it's just been better. I ate a yummy chicken salad and I'm not cold.
Jon and I talked a lot and I think we semi-planned an extended weekend for just the two of us in March. I really hope it works out, because I will really need it by March (especially since I'll be keeping the baby by myself from February 19-29).
So all that to say it is so nice to have someone to love and that loves you in return. It makes the world a better place. He really gets me and tries to make my life easy. I'm a lucky woman.
posted by Des at
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
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