The Story of Purim- by Destiny Vandeput
There once lived a king in the land of Babylon named King X He was a fairly nice king as pagan kings go, but he was just a little too trusting.
One day he was having a feast with a few thousands of his closest friends. Who knows why he got it in his head, male pride, maybe he drank a little too much, but King X wanted to show off his wife’s hotness to all his friends. He wanted her to stand in the room wearing her crown (and some say ONLY her crown).
Well the Queen, in the middle of her own dinner party, was obviously insulted! As if! She would not go be some prize to be stared and oogled at by a bunch of drunk men! So she told the King, “HECK FREAKING NO!”
Well King X got royally pissed like only royal people can! He decided, well if you refuse to be oogled, then you aren’t fit to be queen! So he banished her to a far away land, never to see her again!
After a few days he thought, crap, I need a hot Queen. So he decided to host a Ms. Babylon Beauty Pageant and the winner would become his new queen.
Well it just so happened the hottest lady in the land was a young beautiful Jewish girl named Esther. Esther was an orphan who was raised by her Uncle Mordy. Uncle Mordy was a very respected Jew who loved his God very much.
When the day of the open call for the beauty pageant came, Uncle Mordy told Esther to go and that when she filled out her paperwork to not check the Jewish box on the demographics section. Esther being totally hot, and very obedient, did what her Uncle Mordy asked and quickly became one of the top contenders for the crown.
The preliminary rounds were QUITE long, 2 six month periods to be exact. Esther, being the fabulously humble and sweet girl she is, won the heart of the lead pageant coordinator and even won Ms. Congeniality.
Finally when it was her turn to show off her evening wear in front of the king, he immediately fell in love and crowned her Ms. Babylon, which also made her QUEEN ESTHER!
Well Esther wasn’t the only one getting press. Uncle Mordy one day overheard a plot to assassinate King X. Being totally loyal and of sound morals, yet still very smart, he goes to Queen Esther and tells her of the plot and she is able to inform King X, giving kudos to both Queen Esther and Uncle Mordy.
Well, being that he is a pagan king, we can’t expect King X to make right decisions all the time. SO here it goes. His big no-no. He appoints this evil conniving man named Haman to be his prime minister. Haman is totally full of himself and thinks he is just about the best thing since the invention of the chariot. In his hot stuff mentality he gets a declaration signed by the king, that every time he passes anyone, they have to bow to him. Well one day as he was riding through the streets, enjoying everyone’s bows, he notices that there is one lone man standing up. Who is this man? Well none other than Uncle Mordy. Uncle Mordy can not bow to anyone as it violates his religious beliefs as there will be NO other Gods. Haman took out his little notepad right then and there and wrote, “Uncle Mordy- Enemy #1”.
One night King X was having trouble sleeping. He tried his usual counting sheep thing, but that didn’t work. He thought about reading, but that seemed too hard. So he got his legislative liaison to come in and read to him out of the daily report for the last few weeks. When he got to the part where Uncle Mordy saved him from an assassination attempt, he stops. “Did we ever give this guy a reward?” The Liaison looks at his papers, “I don’t think so” he says. “Hmmm… get Haman in here.” When Haman arrived the king said, “What should I do to honor a man who I think rocks.” Haman, being full of himself, immediately thought the king was talking about him. “Well, I think he should be given the royal treatment and ride through the city on your horse with someone walking in front yelling, “The king thinks this guy rocks”.
The king then got a huge smile on his face, “That sounds GREAT!” You personally go tell Uncle Mordy the great news as we need to honor him for saving my life a few weeks ago.
Well this sure ticks off Haman. He can’t stand Uncle Mordy and now this dude is getting the honor that HE deserves. Well he right then and there devises a plan that would kill not only Uncle Mordy, but all the Jews, because if there is one bad apple, the lot must be bad as well. He went to the king and slipped it by, with talks of an evil people who want to overthrow him, blah, blah. The king said, “Whatever you think Haman.” With the King on board, all he needed was a day to do all of this on, so he threw some dice and it landed on the 13th day of Purim. That sounded great to him! The 13th would be the day of the Jewish annihilation!
News of this decree spread quickly throughout the land. All the Jewish people were FREAKING out! Uncle Mordy quickly got a message to Queen Esther asking her to plead with the king on her people’s behalf.
Well this wasn’t just like going into the kitchen and randomly talking with your hubby. The king had been a little stressed and she hadn’t seen him in a month. If she went into the throne room unannounced and he didn’t give her the A-OKAY, she was gone, just like the Queen before her!
But she knew she had no choice. So she fasted and prayed for three days, put the dress she wore in the evening gown competition of the beauty pageant that originally won the king’s heart, took a deep breath and entered the throne room…
DUM-DA-DUM-DUM
When the king saw her, his face lit up! Oh boy did he love Queen Esther. He immediately gave her the thumbs up and said, “Esther my dear, I’ll give you anything you want because you are so hot and nice. Up to half of my assets, liquid or invested”
She saw Haman there, the Jew hater, staring at her, no idea that the Queen herself was a Jew. She decided not to out him right then and there and quickly devised a plan, as she was very quick on her feet.”
“All I want my dearest and sexiest of all kings, is to have a dinner with you and your top man Haman.”
“Well of course most hot of all Queens. We’ll be there!”
That night, after eating a great meal and some find cabernet sauvignon, the King asked again, “Oh hottest of all Queens, I know that you didn’t come all the way to the throne room, risking your banishment, just to invite me to dinner, what do you really want?”
She paused, almost told him right then and there, but then decided on a new twist.
“Well, what I was really wanting was… you and Haman to come to dinner again tomorrow night.”
“Whatever you want Ms. Hottie, we’ll be there.”
Well now Haman thought he was big stuff. The Queen just invited him to 2 private dinners in a row with the king and her! So as he was walking home, full of himself, he saw Uncle Mordy by the gates and he got ticked off again. He decided to order a special killing device to kill Uncle Mordy the next day, knowing that the king would not tell him no after he had been so honored by his beloved wife.
Well the next night at dinner, after eating a fantastic meal and drinking some fine Bordeaux, the King once again said
“Oh hottest of all Queens, I know that you didn’t come all the way to the throne room, risking your banishment, just to invite me to dinner two nights in a row… what is it that you desire?”
“Well ok, my favorite king ever.” She said. “I’ll just lay it to you straight. I’m being murdered tomorrow.”
The king spit out his wine, “What!”
“Yes, you know the decree Haman just issued to kill all the Jewish people tomorrow?”
“Sort of” said the King… “I deal with a lot of paper work sweetie”.
“Oh I’m sure you do oh smartest of all kings, but the thing is. I’m also a Jew and that means tomorrow I have to die.”
“WHAT!” Said the King!! “This is an outrage!! Haman, did you know about this!”
Haman began stuttering, “Your-your-your highness, I, I, I”
“We have to change this immediately, and you, buddy, are in BIG trouble! You tried to have my wife killed!!!” The king stormed out of the room to get the legislative liason.
Right when the king left, Haman threw himself at Esther’s feet to beg for his life. “You can tell him it wasn’t my fault… tell him! Tell him it was a joke. Tell him you aren’t a Jew! Tell him!!”
“Whatever” said Esther. “You’re a dirty rotten Jew hater, and I will do no such thing!”
Well that sure pissed Haman off, “Why you little”. And he lunges at Esther, who then loses her balance screaming, and they fall on the couch together.
Right then, the King walks in and well, it doesn’t look good. The Queen screaming for help, Haman in a rage on top of her on the couch… looks like attempted rape to him.
So he calls his secret service detail and they take Haman out.
When deciding what to do with him, King X see’s this pretty nifty killing machine outside in the courtyard.
“Kill him on that thing,” he tells a guard. And so they do.
And that is the story of how Queen Esther saved the Jews.
When the Jews found out they had a HUGE celebration which they called Purim. Esther moved from being just a pretty face to saving the Jewish race. She realized she could do something, even if it cost her everything. And through her, a nation was saved.
Labels: blogging, Purim, writing
